I was on a call recently when a developer shared a struggle with a technology. In response to an offer to help, she said “nobody can help me.” The words shut down the legitimate offer to help. The words also conveyed a negative attitude towards the person offering to help. In the end, the exchange was short and reflected poorly on the developer and her ability to work through a technical challenge.

The words you use and how you say them are a big factor in how others on your team interpret your attitude. Imagine the difference between responding to “Can I help you?” with “no, nobody can help me” versus “I don’t understand the problem, so I don’t know if anyone can help me. I don’t really know where to start.”

Many of us have trouble admitting our own limitations and asking for help. In a conversation such as the one above, the speaker is admitting to limitations. It can be difficult to check your ego and admit you don’t know how you can be helped. Accepting your own limits is a big step towards allowing yourself to be helped. When you respond positively to an offer for help, your team will interpret the words as having a “good attitude.”

What are some words you can use to convey a good attitude, even in tough situations?

Find ways to say “yes”. Either in accepting help or picking up a task with which someone else needs help. “Yes" is a powerful positive word.

Ask for help. It may note be intuitive that that someone asking for help comes across as a good attitude. Knowing your limits and accepting where you need help is a positive team attribute.

Share the root of your feelings. When you say “I’m frustrated with this problem” you can put voice to where you are struggling. Sometimes we simply are frustrated, and the listener may assume you are frustrated with them or the conversation. Putting a voice to the source of your frustration can open up a dialog for help.

Express your desire to achieve a goal. When you lead with a clear goal, the context helps the listener interpret your words differently. For example, start with “I am working to automate this entire build so there are no manual steps” to provide context for “I’m struggling with connecting Jenkins with our Git repo.” The goal you are trying to achieve sets a positive tone for whatever comes next.

Avoid short, vague responses. Bad attitudes come in the form of one word responses (for example, just saying “no” without explanation). Expand on your answer with some of the tactics above. You can open up dialog with someone who can help.

Avoid the appearance of blame in your words. Avoid saying something is not your fault (it is the technology, or the last developer). Take ownership of your part and try not to cast or shift blame.

What words do you use to promote the appearance of a good attitude?